Neon Genesis Evangelion: You Are (Not) Just A Kid Who's Four
by Bluekirby2
Summary: Cailou Ikari has almost never seen his daddy, but he finally gets to see him again, but he asks too much of him by asking him to destroy and angel. Crackfic, most likely a one-shot.


Cailou Ikari, a four year old boy who lived in the city of Toronto 3, was waiting at his playschool after it had ended for the day. He had waited awhile for somebody who was supposed to pick him up, who was named Ann Martin, which was weird considering she was his teacher, yet she was late to pick him up at the school she worked at.

Cailou then saw something large in the distance. He saw it was destroying the city, and this scared him. Cailou being the brat he was cried at the sight of it, but conveniently, he saw Miss Martin's car pull up to the playschool.

"Hello there Mr. Ikari, sorry I'm late."

"But why are you late if you work here? It really doesn't make sense considering that you could have just picked me up immediately after you got off work….."

"Shut up, we have a plot to follow." Miss Martin snapped.

"And why did you call me 'Mr. Ikari'? You normally call me Cailou at playschool, so why call me Mr. Ikari now…."

"Damn it Cailou, you aren't supposed to question things! Get in the car!"

Cailou decided to listen to his teacher, and got in the car.

"Where are we going?" Cailou asked.

"Let's say we are going to your daddy's work."

"My daddy?" Cailou almost never saw his father, because he was always busy at work, and his mother had died nine years ago, despite the fact that Cailou was only four.

Cailou was excited to visit his daddy's work, because not only did he barely see his father, but he had no idea where he worked, and this made him eager to see where he worked.

Miss Martin drove into an elevator made specifically for cars that made Cailou curious where his daddy worked.

"Miss Martin, where are we?"

"This is simply an elevator. However, this elevator leads to NERV headquarters."

"NERV? What's that? It sounds like something my daddy says whenever I see him, like 'Cailou, shut the hell up, you're getting on my nerves!' "

"No Mr. Ikari, not that kind of nerve."

"And why are you calling me Mr. Ikari? You can just call me Cailou."

"Alright, I'm fine with that. And you can call me Ann."

"But you ALWAYS called me Cailou up until now…"

"Remember what I said about questioning things?"

Cailou let out a sigh. "Yes Ms. Martin."

The elevator then descended into a giant city underground that had a sky and everything, despite how it was underground. Cailou, remembering what his teacher said, just went with it.

"Isn't it an amazing view?" His teacher asked.

Cailou, resisting his urge to question things, replied with a simple "Sure".

Eventually after all the driving involved, they eventually arrived at NERV HQ.

"So this is where my daddy works? NERV…Hey, what is NERV an acronym for?"

"It isn't an acronym for anything."

"Then why is it in all capital letter…."

"What did I tell you?"

Cailou let out another sigh.

Cailou and Miss Martin walked into NERV HQ.

"Miss Martin, why AM I here?"

"You'll see soon enough."

Cailou was both excited AND nervous to see where Miss Martin was taking him.

Eventually, they halted as they stood in front of the face of a giant robot.

"I'm sorry this seems so sudden, but I present to you Evangelion Unit 01."

"Wow!" Cailou said in amazement, much to Ms. Martin's surprise. She thought that he would be scared by the fact that he had to pilot it.

"A new toy!" Cailou said joyfully as Ms. Martin face palmed.

"No Cailou, this is NOT a toy."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm sure Major Martin has already specified what it is. This is Evangelion Unit 01." Cailou looked up and saw his father, Daddy Ikari, standing above Eva 01 on a platform.

"But if it isn't a toy, what am I supposed to do with it?" Cailou asked. He also noticed that Daddy looked different. Since the last time he saw him, he had grown a beard, and wore circular glasses.

"Pilot it and defeat the thing attacking the city, which is the 3rd Angel, Sachiel."

Cailou remembered Sachiel, and how scary it was. "But I don't wanna!" Cailou shouted as he stomped his foot in the ground.

"Cailou, get in the damn robot!" Daddy Ikari shouted firmly.

"But I don't wanna! I don't wanna! I don't wanna!" Cailou yelled as he was furiously jumping up and down, and then he proceeded to lay on the ground and punch and kick the ground.

"Commander Ikari, are you sure this is a good idea?" Ann asked Daddy.

"Well if he won't pilot Eva 01, then who else will?"

"I guess you are right. I mean, we have Clementine Ayanami, but I guess we'll have to deal with this brat…"

"Wait, Clementine Ayanami? Why don't we use her!"

"But Commander, she is still injured severely after Eva 00 went berserk….."

"I don't give a shit! It's better than THIS brat!" Daddy then pointed at Cailou who was still throwing a fit.

"Yes sir."

Not too long after, a NERV agent was pushing a hospital cart with Clementine Ayanami lying down on it. Cailou noticed her, and was curious what she was doing.

"What is Clementine doing here? And when did she get injured like that? She wasn't like that at playschool today."

"CAILOU, DON'T YOU QUESTION A DAMN THING!" Daddy Ikari snapped at Cailou.

"Ayanami is going to pilot Eva 01 since you refuse to and Eva 00 is still in suspension." Miss Martin said to Cailou.

"But she can't pilot Eva 01! It's my robot!"

"But Cailou, you refuse to pilot it….."

"I don't care! Its MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!" Cailou yelled as he was jumping up and down.

"Look Cailou, if you pilot it, I'll take you to some ice cream afterwards." Miss Martin said hoping bribing the brat with an inconsistent IQ would work.

"Okay!" Cailou said gladly. Miss Martin then escorted Cailou to the entrance of the Eva's plug.

Before he entered the plug, he looked at Clementine and said; "It's my robot, poopyhead!" and stuck his tongue out. Clementine just looked at him blankly.

Cailou was in the Eva plug, and was about to question why it was being flooded with some kind of liquid, but was tired of everyone yelling at him.

"Commander Daddy Ikari, couldn't we use an older pilot?" Miss Martin asked Daddy Ikari.

"That's too good of an idea." Daddy responded bluntly.

Cailou felt the Eva he was piloting shifting, and felt it being thrusted upwards, and before he knew it, he was in Toronto 3 standing in front of Sachiel.

"Okay Cailou, focus on walking for now." Miss Martin said to Cailou.

Cailou tried to get Eva 01 to walk, but he failed and the Eva 01 fell down.

"Owie! I got a booboo!" Cailou yelled as he was crying and holding his right knee in pain, causing Eva 01 to do the same thing. Because he was in a vulnerable position, Sachiel ran up to Eva 01, and started beating the shit out of it.

"Stop that, meanie!" Cailou shouted as he continued to cry.

"Cailou, shut the hell up!" Miss Martin yelled at Cailou.

"I knew this would happen if I got four year olds to pilot the Evas instead of people who were trained for this kind of thing." Daddy Ikari said.

"But sir, if you knew, why DID you use four-year olds…."

"Major Martin, if it applies to Cailou, it applies to you." Daddy responded. "But anyways, that's why I implemented something into the Evas. You might want to cover your ears."

Cailou was still crying while Sachiel was handing Cailou's ass to him. Cailou then noticed that a microphone had popped out of his control panel, giving him the idea to sing.

"Oh boy, I love to sing!" Cailou then leaned forward and got ready to sing into the mic.

" _I'm just a kid who's four_

 _Each day I grow some more_

 _I like exploring I'm Cailou_ "

Sachiel couldn't stand the sound of Cailou's singing, so he tried covering his nonexistent ears.

" _So many things to do,_

 _Each day there's something new_

 _I'll share them with you_

 _I'm Cailou…._ "

Cailou's singing was interrupted by Sachiel blowing up in a cross-shaped explosion.

"Good job Cailou!" Miss Martin said.

"That shithead didn't like my singing! What a meanie!"

"Quick Major Martin, say something else to stop him from complaining!" Daddy Ikari said.

"Errrrrrrr….If you're mommy was here, she would have been very proud of you!"

Daddy Ikari then stared blankly into nothingness while Cailou threw another tantrum anyways.

"Commander Ikari, are you alright?" Ann said making sure he was okay.

"Soon enough Mommy Ikari….Soon enough….."

 **[So this is most likely going to be a one-shot, but if you would like to see more and have ideas, leave them in the reviews. I was going to do this after Kill la Haruhi, but I'll get back to that soon enough. But please, do leave your thoughts in the reviews, and I may just possibly do _The End of Evangelion: Cailou Edition_ if I get any ideas.] **


End file.
